Memo's From a General
by Quark.Rom
Summary: The notices from Cheyenne Mountian notice board. Title changed from betting pools. Series 7 or 8. Chapter 13 now added. Drunken fun awaits inside.
1. Betting Pools

Seen on the staff notice board on Floor 18 of Chyanne Mountian

**Official Memo**

All personel are reminded that unofficial gambling on the injury or accidents of other personel within the base is expressly forbidden without official permission, and will lead to disciplinary procedures, a fine or in severe case dismissal. This notice also applies to personelle pools on any member of staff. Forms for running a pool can be found in my office and any applicant must be able to provide evidence that the pool will improve base morale and the subject of the pool must have given their consent. Furthur to this all current unofficial pools must be closed by 22.00 hours tomorrow, specifically Major Cadmans When Will Daniel Die Next pool. Any current pool can continue if they gain my express permission by 22.00 tomorrow, this will avoid the lenthy official application procedure.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

Just below that was

**Official Memo**

Memo to all staff requesting to see General O'Neill

General O'Neill will be in meeting for the next 3 days all requests to see him will be provided with an appointment after this time

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

And right next to it

**The Siler Injury Pool**

The winners of the official Siler Injury pool (Ran by Jack O'Neill and fully endorsed by the base commander) are Leiutenant Opdyke of SG14 for accuratly selecting the date, and Dr Myers for selecting electricution as the method of injury. Dr. Fraiser has reported he will be out of the infirmary in a couple of days, we all wish him well on his way to recovery. $2580 was collected. 10 for Siler and 10 for me leaves $2064 to split, or $1032 to both winners. Better luck next time to all those who didn't win and I hope you will all play again. PS Abuse of rank to affect Silers duties to attempt to win is strictly forbidden (That means you Carter, like you realy needed Siler to clean the biohazard system, just because you got stuck with illness)

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

And below that a simple handwritten message

YOU BASTARD


	2. Back Through The Gate

**Didn't really plan to write a second chapter to this story, but it came to me last night and I couldn't stop writing it**

Seen a few weeks later

**Official Memo**

Attention to all teams, returning through the Stargate isn't an opportunity to exercise your creativity. The following phrases and others similar are prohibited when returning through the gate.

1 Honey I'm home

2 Guess what we did

3 We found an ancient weapon... just joking

4 I need help translating this really cool new language (Teasing Jackson while funny is still cruel)

5 Who would have guessed, a nudist world

6 Just plants and fucking rocks

7 A planet of only women isn't that fun

8 We're blind

9 This ancient repository grabbed my head

10 Did you tape my shows?

11 There was this tourettes disease but I think we are ok (you can guess the rest)

12 There was an empty mothership but it was the wrong colour so we decided to leave it (That means you Oldman)

13 Well, Anaubis is dead

14 We think we caught syphilis

15 The positronic balance of the lower ionosphere became unbalanced and resulted in an increase in theta radiation (Baffling your commander isn't funny Carter)

16 We agreed to pay in human organs, that's ok right

16a We agreed to pay in slaves

16b We agreed to pay in Uranium, but its a small nuke

17 Cannibals!

18 Is releasing Earth animals' off world against regulations?

19 I knew we couldn't be the only world with cannabis

20 I'm so drunk/wasted/stoned/high

21 We have a problem, we need the A team

21a We have a problem, who we gonna call, Ghost Busters!

22 We are a little in debt to the casino on P34 543, we promised them the next X-303, damm game seemed so similar to poker

23 Oh, sorry my phone is vibrating

Any failure to observe this protocol will result in disciplinary action.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

And the day after a note in Carters handwriting was pinned below

Come on Jack you said much worse when you returned through the gate

Then just below that was another hand written note

Jack most of those were your idea, you suggested them to me. Have you never heard the phrase about the pot calling the kettle black

Signed Major Oldman

Finally there was another memo

**Official Memo**

Have none of youheard the phrase

"Do as I say not as I do"

You bunch of babies

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill


	3. Prank War I

**This came to me on the walk home from the pub. I was half cut (Drunk to any non geordies) when i wrote it so sorry for any mistakes. Hope you all enjoy it. New title was inspired by ****Trinitystargazer3** **I think it fits the second and third chapters better,**

**Official Memo**

To all those concerned I feel it is necessary to address the current wave of one specific prank. Who ever is replacing the real coffee with decaffeinated will better stop now. The lack of caffeine is making most of the civilian staff very grouchy. If they find the culprit before I do then I cannot be held responsible for their actions. I am also receiving lots of complaints for the military staff about the lack of caffeine, nobody wants a pissed off airman after them. If these actions continue then I will personally consider this an attack against me and the consequences will be very bad for the culprit. My job is difficult enough without being deprived of my morning caffeine injection.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

The next day

**Official Memo**

This includes half cafe. I do not appreciate sarcasm

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

Two hours later

**Official Memo**

This includes hot chocolate, you despicable desperate

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

Two more hours later

**Official Memo**

Or any drink that looks enough like coffee to pass a quick inspection. Who ever is doing this better stop. You are risking the safety of the base and of all base personnel. Stop now or the consequences of your actions will be horrible. Carter and Jackson will lead the manhunt I swear, stop, stop now, you hear me.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

As Carter read the notice Dr. Frasier walked passed her and slipped into the commissary to replace today's coffee with gravy. This base was coming off caffeine one way or another.


	4. Delegation

On the first tuesday after the new years celebrations a typed memo went up on the Cheyenne notice board.

**Official Memo**

Now the new year is upon us I have decided that there will be more resonsibility given to other members of staff. By this i mean that there will be more delegation to heads of departments. From now if you have any problems follow the guidelines below.

Any off world medical problems or medical discovery report to Dr. Frasier

Any discovery related to astro physics report to Lt. Col. Carter

Any biological or other scientific discovery report to Dr. Lee

Any problem with base equiptment report to Siler

Any problems which may arise that are not covered by these depatments can be directed to Walter

These new guide lines will hopefully allow staff members more fufilment and job variety and allow me to devote more time to individual problems.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

The next day there were two typed notes below. The first one read

Jack this we wont let you do this, just because you dont want to do the work doesn't mean you can pass it on to us. We will go above your head on this if you don't reverse this now. You can't just sit in your office all day playing solitare on your computer.

Below it was signed by Carter, Frasier, Siler and Lee.

The second read

I think these changes are good, they have enriched my job, and have given me much more to do.

Signed Walter Harriman

**Official Memo**

These changes have been approved by the pentagon as part of the effort to make the air force a more enriching place to work for all staff members. Failure to carry out your new duties will result in special disciplinary actions. Carter I will give you two weeks enforced holiday and permenantly remove blue jello from the commissary. Jackson I will ban you from drinking coffee and lock your office for two weeks. Siler do you want me to officially ban the use of duct tape in repair of equiptment. Lee ever wanted to work in a research station in Alaska. Frasier I will think of something for you, just because I can't think of anything now. Also Walter thanks for the encouragement, hope you enjoy your new duties.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

Who ever removed solitare from my computer better replace it. How the hell did you block me from reinstalling it. I want it replaced by the end of the day or there will be terrible consequences for all. How the hell else am I suppost to kill my time.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill


	5. Chapter 5

**I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote this. Had a couple of tries on other ideas before this one, which hopefully will work out later.**

**Official Memo**

There have been a number of incidents involving attacks on my office over the last week. These were not appreciated, especially not moving my furniture to the supply room and swapping my phone so I addressed the President as Private. The culprits have yet to be caught, but there are a few people I suspect of committing these acts. I am not going to beat around the bush here. Carter, Jackson, Frasier, Siler if it was you i will find out and you will be punished. I know you were pissed about your new duties. I want the culprits whoever they are to stop now, if these actions continue I will be forced to find the guilty party and act.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

Jack considering you have chosen the memo system to voice your problems we have chosen the same method to reply. I speak for myself, Janet, Daniel and Siler. The pranks you pulled were immature, childish and unfair considering we were innocent of the pranks against you. Daniel has now been locked out of his office for 2 days because we cannot get the door rewired, I cant find a way to switch my homepage from Playboy since you switched it, Janet hasn't slept a wink since you switched the decafe for full with added caffeine tablets, every one knows she is the only one who drinks decafe and poor Siler cant get any work done since you hid all of the duct tape. You said you would act when you found the guilty party.

From the desk of Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter

**Official Memo**

Carter are you crazy I didn't pull that stuff, why would I when I had much better stuff planned for when I could prove it was you. Now you retaliate by filling my office with all the documents you could find. They are stacked 5 foot thick, it will take me years to sort through them all. I didn't pull those pranks on you ok now stop attacking my office.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

As the clock changed from 0359 to 0400 hours Teal'c and Walter struggled down the corridor with the last filing cabinet from Sam's office moving it to Daniels lab in place of all Daniels stuff now in Sam's lab. After this they had to duct tape the 5 inflatable dolls to the beds in the Infirmary using Silers duct tape. Never trust the quiet ones.


	6. Chapter 6

After Jacks monthly physicial the following notice went up on the Cheyenne Mountian notice board

**Official Memo**

Due to the results of General O'Neill most recent physical he must not be given the following things.

1 Beer (Will raise his blood pressure)

2 Cakes or sweets (Too fattening)

3 Coffee

4 Any thing containing large amounts of salt

5 Any highly unsaturated fats (Not at all good for him)

6 Pudding

7 Bad news in an exciting way

But please provide him with the following as much as he wants

1 Rice cakes (Ummm)

2 Tea or hot chocolate

3 Tofu

4 Salad

5 Water

6 Your support

This may seem an unusual step but I predict this change will be diffucult for General O'Neill and that he needs everyones support and help. Plus as this constitues as a order regarding the health of an officer General O'Neill cannot order you to do the things I have ordered you not to do. So dont let him bully you, this is in his best intrest.

From the desk of Dr. Janet Frasier

**Official Memo**

Due to the result of my physical results I want you all to remember

1 Dr. Frasier is a horrible person

2 Dont let her near a joke, she will kill it

3 Pudding is for the deserving, and i work hard

4 This base is at serious risk if i dont get my morning coffee

5 I dont have the power to countermand her orders on health, but i can reassign her to alaska

6 And anyone else who annoys me

7 I am willing to pay anyone who will bring me coffee and pudding

8 Without caffine i get really cranky, so anyone who gets in my way, prepare for hell

Thank you all for reading this and please i hope you all feel as terrible as me

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

Two days later

**Official Memo**

I am sorry for what i said. The lack of caffine made me grouchy but now i feel much better. The removal of these poison from my system has helped me realise how much we have all came to rely on caffine and sugar toomuch. So from now all members of staff will follow the diet plan laid out by Dr. Frasier, except in cases where medical evidence can be provided. I want you all to thank Dr. Frasier for helping me see how much better we can function without coffee.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

That would teach her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer- I do not own the rights to Stargate, the show, or the characters, except Lieutenant Opdyke and Major Laurell, these are mine so feel free to steal them if you want them.**

**Official Memo**

Recently I have seen a reduction in base morale, therefore i have felt the need to bring us all together with a piece of healthy competition to create a motto for the Stargate program. These can be serious or a bit of fun its your choice. Well I know you all so it will be a piss take. I will start the list with an example of both.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Stargate Moto Competition**

1 Going forward into the unknown together (Signed O'Neill)

2 Making advanced temporal astrophysics look like experimental brain surgery (Signed O'Neill)

3 Let sleeping Jaffa lie (Signed Lieutenant Opdyke)

4 Interrupting Kelnoreem is suicide (Anonymous)

5 All problems can be solved with coffee (Signed Jackson)

6 Nearly as cool as Star Wars (Signed Teal'c)

7 Time travel is only a secondary use (Anonymous)

8 Running on caffeine (Signed Dr. Frasier)

9 Disrespecting archaeologists since 1994 (Signed Jackson)

10 General O'Neill, at least he's better than Satan (Anonymous, but looks a lot like Carters handwriting)

11 Daniel Jackson, ya just can't kill the guy (Signed O'Neill)

12 Forward in the Name of God (Anonymous)

13 Pissing away millions a day (Signed Dr. Lee)

14 A dead Goa'uld never stays dead (Signed O'Neill)

15 Thank God the army isn't in charge (Signed Frasier)

16 Stargate, we **don't **give air miles (Anonymous)

17 Risking Earth stupidly (Signed Senator Kenzie)

This is for Stargate personnel only Kenzie

18 WOW aliens are real (Signed Major Laurell)

19 Causing cultural problems every day (Anonymous)

20 Freeing the Jaffa one step at a time (Signed Teal'c)

21 Ignoring my suggestions every day, still can't believe we didn't call it the enterprise (Signed O'Neill)

22 Still can't believe they put you in charge, ps Jack this idea was great (Signed Hammond)

We will allow you to add George since you used to work here

23 Baffling O'Neill for many years (Signed Carter)

24 I can't believe you keep ignoring my advice (Signed Dr. Lee)

25 Have you seen how high the electric bills are around here (Signed O'Neill)

26 Stargate Command AKA Workaholics anonymous (Signed Lieutenant Opdyke)

27 The 3 criteria for a real Star Gate explorer (Signed Jackson)

i) Been killed and brought back to life

ii) Travelled through time

iii) Killed a Gould

28 No alien prison can hold us (Signed O'Neill)

**Official Memo**

I am so very glad you decided to join in the spirit of the event, and to continue the atmosphere of healthy competition I think we should all vote for our favourite motto, the winner will receive a 2 weeks vacation, or if Carter wins 2 weeks less vacation. Siler and Walter will handle the process as they didn't suggest a motto, please try and keep it fair folks don't vote for your self.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

The box to place your votes in will be placed in the commissary from tomorrow, the 21st of March, until the 23rd. Voting will end after this date, the box will be kept locked to prevent cheating. The winner will be announced by the 25th of March.

Signed Siler

**Official Memo**

The votes have been counted, and after the 115 votes for number 11 were removed as they were all by General O'Neill himself, the winner is number 8 by Dr. Frasier. She wins the extra 2 weeks vacation and also I contacted General Hammond and advised him of General O'Neill's attempt at cheating, he has advised me to tell him that he has lost 2 weeks of his annual vacation along with the message "Cheaters never prosper"

Signed Siler

**Hope you enjoyed it but there might not be another for a few weeks, sorry but I have lots of work to do.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Been really busy the last couple of weeks but I had enough time to write a short chapter, enjoy!**

**Official Memo**

While I am recovering from my recent injury I have decided to update the safety policy for the base, this now falling within my new duties thanks to General O'Neill. My accident has shown me that the current base safety procedures do not fulfil the needs of this base. The standard manual is usually enough to cover all eventualities but as we travel through the gate we face new levels of danger so I feel we should update the manual. Please watch for future notices.

From the desk of Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter

**Official Memo**

I personally think that this is a good idea. Many members of staff do not take enough precautions in their duties. So how about all staff members must leave their labs at least once in a 24 hour period or don't give alien scientists unwanted lectures, the catfight was hot though.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

Or no staff member shall consume more than ten cups of coffee a day.

From the desk of Dr. Janet Frasier

**Official Memo**

Or perhaps watch out for spilt liquids at the top of stairs

From Teal'c (I do not have a desk)

**Official Memo**

That isn't funny, slipping on that water hurt like hell, broken legs are not funny people!

From the desk of Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter


	9. Chapter 9

**When Valentines day rolled around the messages on the notice board were slightly un romantic. The first memo appeared quite early in the morning.**

**Official Memo**

I feel the need to once again address the prank war which has once again flared up. This was ok when it was just each other we pranking but when outsiders are getting caught up and it is time to stop. I am referring to the Kaladi incident, when as many of you know, someone replaced the national anthem tape with Metallica. All members of SG1 have been cleared of these incidents as many have happened when they were off world, and Dr. Frasier and Siler have been on leave when a number occurred. So with all of the likely suspects accounted for I must say to the real culprits that if the pranks do not stop (And I mean it this time) there will be consequences.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

But just a couple of hours later there was a reply

We are the New Prank Alliance, we are more powerful than you can ever know, stop this hunt for us or there will be consequences for you. To prove how powerful we are General we suggest that you go back to your office now.

The NPA

As O'Neill passed the notice board with Carter he read this and then they ran to his office. After unlocking he door he found a bright pink cake sitting on his desk, with freshly lit candles. He just stood there wondering how they got through his locked door and how they knew when he would be back while Carter just stood in the door way and laughed.

**Official Memo**

This memo is directed at one group, the NPA, the cake thing was quite funny but please remember that I will win in the end and the end will be soon.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

As Carter walked into her office she instinctively looked for any sign of foul play, when there was none she sat down. The past 3 weeks had been bad. The prank problem had become an epidemic since Jack had issued his warning. There wasn't anyone who had not been affected by the pranks, and the scale was huge. She and Jack were in charge of the investigation and they had no suspects because everyone was off base at the time of at least one of the pranks. Her and Jack had decided that there must be a relatively large group of people involved. As she opened the bottom draw she found all the documents gone and replaced with a draw full of red Jell-O, again. Then she had a realisation, Jack had taken the attack personally and had been the one to reply but there was no particular focus of pranks on him. There was also no way some of the pranks could have been performed without his access codes. The more she thought about it the more brilliant it became. Jack was defiantly innocent of the first set of pranks, but he decided to have a little fun. It was genius, and she suddenly had more respect for Jack as a thinker. No one would suspect the head of the investigation of being the culprit. He had acted it so perfectly, especially when he wired his own phone into the alarm system, he couldn't have done any better. She had to get in on this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry only had time for a short one, enjoy !**

**Official Memo**

After my visit to Washington I expected to return to a few problems, but 84 complaints in my first 3 days back. Well let me answer a few of them here. Firstly I don't care how much people want to switch teams but it aint gonna happen. Secondly you all know caffeine tablets are not allowed on base, its coffee or nothing you bunch of freaks. Please remember some of us aren't allowed any. From now on all labs must not be used for sleep, go home people. Walter there isn't any protocol about what you have to say when dialling the gate, say whatever the hell you want I don't care. Daniel you were wrong Homers middle name is Jay, you owe Teal'c 20. Siler no more messing with the electrical system, we need power, you need to stop being electrocuted, its fine the way it is. Remember never order supplies without your CO's approval, Frasier has 50,000 sterile swabs now, which is good news for me. Daniel either stop walking into people or I will order you to get an eye test. I know geology missions are boring but they are necessary so no rushing back. One final thing, I thing all of you are neurotic, work obsessed, whiney children who will try anything to get what they want, oh and they want it right now not later.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

Sam passed Janet reading the notice and all that was said was

Sam "Jack back on his diet?"

Janet "Yeah"


	11. Chapter 11

**Official Memo**

Yesterday I received a complaint from the manager of O'Neill's bar in town about an incident which occurred there last night involving two members of staff, who I will not name to protect their reputation. I wish to offer the following advice on going to bars near the base. Do not aggravate the locals or allow them to aggravate you, if it means leaving to stop a fight, leave. Secondly know your limits and don't get hammered. Thirdly if you have to start a fight don't start it with a relative of the sheriff. Never go to bars still in uniform, it makes the base and the air force look bad. Always walk away. And if you are in a fight make sure you win.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

The two culprits of the bar fight were standing in General O'Neill's office.

Jack "Any thing to say about what happened, Sam, Janet?"

Sam "We went to the bar after work to relax, when these two women saw our uniforms and started shouting her mouth off about how the air force was no place for women. Saying she was tougher. So after a few hours"

Jack "And I am assuming a few drinks"

Sam "Well yeah, we get up to leave, her and her friend get up and confront us"

Jack "That's when they attacked you?"

Janet "That's when I punched her, Sam took her friend"

Jack "You started it?"

Janet "Well Yes"

Jack "Carter put all your projects on hold your taking two weeks off to relax, relax is an order. Janet first contact the pentagon about a base councillor again, then your taking two weeks off as well. I know it's been hectic around here but we will survive without you both."

Jack could see where they were coming from, if everyone didn't get a break soon there would be a few more brawls.


	12. Chapter 12

**Official Memo**

Carter I know you are avoiding me, well I just want to tell you that I didn't know you were such a pig, how could you stay in there. Just clean it all up and that will be the end of the teasing in 6 to 8 weeks.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

Go to hell

From the desk of Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter

**Official Memo**

You mean the very messy desk.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

I know I have been busy lately but can someone fill me in on what you are both talking about.

From the desk of Dr. Daniel Jackson

**Official Memo**

Well Danny, last week Carter was working on her proposal to the international science commission on the gravitational effect of solar phenomenon on wormholes (Yes I listened for once). I went to visit her a couple of days after she started it, walked into her office to find a bombed garbage dump. Paper and old clothes on the floor, around 30 coffee cups on every surface, half finished meals covering all available space on the worktops and Carter sleeping on a half finished turkey sandwich, naked (just joking she was clothed but the rest is true)

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

Jack that is pretty average for two days in an office; I have seen and done much worse.

From the desk of Dr. Daniel Jackson

**Official Memo**

Sick, so very sick

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Hope you all liked it, had the idea when I noticed how trashed my room has become while I was revising**


	13. Chapter 13

**Official Memo**

What the hell was going on last night, I have been receiving reports all morning about drunken people on base last night, unauthorised use of the gate and illegal appropriation of money. Do you care to explain General O'Neill? I will be back on base on Tuesday you better have an explanation.

From the office of General George Hammond

**Official Memo**

Well sir, it was like this. Lieutenant Opdyke is getting married in a few days and we wanted to celebrate by throwing him a bachelor party, but because of an incident involving some airmen and some locals a couple of weeks ago I didn't think it was wise to go off base. So I approved the party for one of the upper levels, with only off duty staff allowed to attend. It started as a poker game and yes some of the players borrowed money from on duty personnel but non was taken from government funds. Then we started to get a little drunk, including Teal'c who has really taken to Jack Daniels since you gave him the bottle for his birthday, and well we were running a little short on booze and no one was in a fit state to drive, but Daniel suggested that there was no law against using the gate drunk, and P4R 788 has a nice native spirit. So , and I must repeat we were quite drunk at this point, about 8 of us went to the gate room and Walter dialled the gate for us and we went through and returned in the morning.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill

**Official Memo**

You went to an inhabited planet drunk, unarmed and without telling anyone?

From the office of General George Hammond

**Official Memo**

Well not exactly, Walter was as drunk as the rest of us, he dialled the wrong planet, we ended up on the planet SG 12 surveyed 3 weeks ago and reported as uninhabited, and we kind of crashed there.

From the desk of General Jack O'Neill


End file.
